A 4PM Epiphany (To greater things)

The previous sem has been a huge flop for me.

That statement may sound weird to some people, given that I was able to do a lot of things, and it seemed good. I passed my subjects- I made it through the infamous SMEG sem, we were able to put up the Matanglawin website, and well, other feats only people from certain areas of my life would know about. But if you know me well enough, you’d know how bad this sem was for me, and you’d know that I messed it up. Big time.

I’ve been pondering on this for weeks, months even. (Yup, I was going through the sem knowing that I was already messing up, and guess what, I continued doing so.) I once told a friend, “It’s weird that being given all these things- my course, my orgs, my friends (I have a pretty awesome set of friends, mind you) and all the blessings I keep on getting… I still keep messing up. It’s really me. There must be something wrong with me.” I mean, I do realize that external factors may have played in, too. But the major cause of all these was that something was wrong with myself. And I knew it, felt it. I just couldn’t point it out at the time.

It was only this afternoon that I was able to put to words what I was feeling. Maybe I knew it all along, maybe I didn’t. I wouldn’t really know.

I messed up because I defined myself with what I have– my course, my school, my orgs, my friends, my minor achievements, etc. etc.- and not with what I can do.

I admired my friends because of how good they are in what they do, and at certain points, I would ask myself how these people could have become friends with someone like me. I didn’t have much confidence in myself. A friend even commented that I had too much self-contempt.

“Potential” has been and continues to be a key concept in my life. We discussed it in Philo class. A lot of friends (those same friends I admired) have talked to me about this (and well, yeah, my mom)- of how much potential they see in me. I understand them. I know it. I feel it in my bones- that there was so much more I could do with all the things I’ve been given.

But I was afraid. I was confused. There were too many calls, and in one way or another, I answered almost all of them. I missed deadlines, I gave mediocre output, I was unprepared for almost everything. I’m not saying I could’ve given excellent output all the time or prepared well for everything I had to do, but I know I could’ve done better. Ramdam ko kung kailan naibigay ko na ang lahat at kontento ako sa ginawa ko, gaano man ‘yon kaganda o kapangit para sa iba. Pero ramdam ko rin kung may maibibigay pa sana ako, pero hindi ko ginawa dahil tinamad ako, napagod ako, o kung ano-ano pa.

I spent the whole of last night working on a (complicated) timetable for my orgwork next sem. I spent this morning editing an article to be released this Saturday. And for these simple things, I knew I gave all that I can, and I’m happy with my output. I hope I’m off to a good start.

The previous sem has been a huge flop for me. But it also gave me an opporunity to realize that I was doing something wrong. I used to write sem-ender/beginner pieces with bucket lists and looking-forward notes. Now, I guess I won’t be too hard on myself (…) and just put one thing on my bucket list.

Live up to who you can be.

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